Luvprada

One Night in Beijing, I have left my affections

Won’t ask my way after midnight for fear of treading into the rosy path

One Night in Beijing, you better stay sober

Whether you love or not is merely dust in history

It would be the song I pick up in Karaoke session on and off.

In the aftermath of mine, I was totally lost in ecstasy, at least for 1 or 2 hours. Then only I found myself handling it totally wrong. 180 degree deviated from the supposed-to be carefree, calm and nonchalant. It was a fun time with an attractive one for once, but these followed up plenty of emotional baggage from my side.

This week, I find myself grasping at mixed emotions. There is absolute no regret, but I have never been great at just letting things be without analysing it to death. And not that I’m analysing that night, but rather what I do now. So I left a friendly message saying thank you for everything and see you soon. No strings attached, no pressure, just friendly outreach.

Of course, there’s been no response, no reply, no indication anything ever happened. Which, in truth, is the way these things are supposed to work. I have done my part and can walk away saying “Hey, I tried.” (with great sorrow tone)

Now if I can get rid of these anxious feelings in my chest…

The bottom line is, I still alive and I will survive. In conjunction to Scholars dinner tonight in Warrane College, I have once again emerged victorious from the Tunnel of Heartbreak and see the light of academy. It’s only a tunnel, not a black hole. There is life at the end of it. My phone alarm is still ringing every morning, my pooh bears are still there with me and research and tutoring are still running.

SCHOLARS DINNER

The scholars evening is a traditional night in Warrane College when those residents who score a Distinction average for the academic year that has passed are acclaimed and awarded.

Stop seeing someone is not easy - especially if you have to stop seeing someone whom you really like. I never have you, “losing you” may be inappropriate, but that is what I see in this context, it inevitably breaks my heart…

I still harbouring hope that I will see you some times this week or maybe in the very near future.

I am so reluctant to stop letting the thoughts get into my head. I know I miss those good times we had. I never stop reminiscing on the wonderful times that we had while we were together in that mere 20 hours. However, at this most painful time soon after what’s happening, these thoughts do nothing good on me and only aggravate my pain and prolong my recovery by making myself feeling that I have sustained a major loss.

Should I be grateful for having been granted the joy of fun and affection from you at one point of time in which it just not meant to last? Knowing such wonderful memories are great to have, I should be thankful I had those great experiences from you and feelings towards you.

Continue living, pursue my professional and social goals and don’t leave much space for boredom in my life. I reassure myself. 

25 April 2009

The time after the first date can be a very emotional experience. Those memories, vividly projected in your mind, you can hardly halt that. It is like a stroboscope, things you did together flash in and out, you see that clearly. Subsequently, the excitement of what to do next race through your mind. These emotions are magnified even further if the date was a success.

How much wonderful time I had with you. Things just went too fast and I scarcely have time to slow down and play it cool. Instead of days, this time an hour or two after the first date make me so obsessed in collecting thoughts. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder, but anxiety overwhelms everything.

I am just too fast to come across as being infatuated. I sent a sms to leave you with the feeling that I am very interested. I don’t want to give you the impression I am not as this could put doubts in your mind.

But.. there is not any response from you..

26 April 2009

Breaking up sucks. As much as it pains me to use such crass terminology, there’s really no way around it though we never start a relationship. It’s heinous. It’s depressing. It bites.

I did call and contact several of my friends, to gain some perspectives. Thank for the people who are there for me when I need someone to talk to, your voice of encouragement, your supports and your innocent presumptions that help to drive me out from the Valley of Grief and Heartache, and I’m really gratitude you guys did really help.

 
However, I still know I can do better. I hope. My belief that I wish I can mesh into something resembling encouragement for us all.

I have begun the healing process, the way I did in Melbourne before. I crank up the music and sing it with a vengeance.

I never get through any anger, I simply deal with the pain.

And I wonder if I should ever bother to do this again because there is so…much…pain… involved in being involved.

There are many excited singles longing to reach a first date. Getting to know someone doesn’t need to be achieved within a few days, it’s a process that needs to take time. The relationship needs space to breath.

Looking around my room, you’d think things have fallen apart. There’s a half-drunk mug of cold green jasmine tea on my desk, last sipped two days ago. The speaker I used to play songs next to my laptop, its dark-black enamel surface wearing a fine layer of dust. The paper innards of my binders have burst all over my room, leaving a layered chaos of subject notes on my desk, on my bed and under my chair. And my load of laundry has once again reached dreadful proportions. That’s the condition of my room.

At the moment I’m in the middle of my second year towards my Ph.D. Since September 2008 when I was writing up my progress report, I’ve had this period marked off in my calendar with red ink. Yet the advance warning did little to prepare me. I’m swamped, finishing one thing only to begin another.

Up until this point of time, my stress has risen and fallen in a sinuous curve. There are moments when all pressures are removed, when everything runs well and problems are little black blips barely perceptible in the distance. Then the blips get closer and incrementally become big black blots. Little by little my stress goes up the slope, until I’m at the peak.

Right now I’m at the peak and I badly want to slide down and slip into a nice and easy Easter break.

I’ve never had to do so much in so little time. I don’t have much choice but to work. Working at the reception desk in my college, 7 hours of tutoring in my university plus further 10++ hours of preparation, 2 hours of Diploma of Education Studies lesson weekly. If I don’t work, life may screw up. Yet people around are telling me I may go too hard, too much.

It is my bad of being ruthlessly prioritize breaks and I am getting upset when I am deviated from my schedule. My works simply become more intimidating, and the list goes infinite.

The beginning of the first few months of my second year is incredibly stressful. I’m plunging myself into an environment that I know little about. I’m still struggling to find out how these whole things should be worked out together. I don’t really want to spend another years being as keyed up as I am right now.

I shall devote more time and plan my schedule to the umpteenth detail. I need to know exactly what I need to do and when I need to do it.